The family, loved ones, and the person struggling with a substance use disorder (SUD) or an untreated mental illness experience a complex mix of confusion, hurt, shame, embarrassment, exhaustion, and potentially physical harm. These same individuals often face financial and legal challenges resulting from poorly managed health conditions. The children of these afflicted individuals carry their experiences into their adult lives and, in some cases, pass them on to the next generation.
Addiction and mental illness are not failures of character or willpower. These health conditions are progressive, destructive conditions that can rob people of their best selves and disrupt the most important relationships. No one chooses to become addicted or to live with a severe or debilitating mental illness. Early on, few who live with mental illness or the disease of addiction are eager to admit they have a problem. Often, family members and loved ones are confused, hurt, and upset about unpredictable and distressing behavior. The struggling person will minimize or rationalize the harm caused by their behavior, while the family and loved ones will cling to the hope that this is just a passing phase. Repeated promises that “this will never happen again” are broken, and the ability of loved ones to endure repeated hurt is painfully tested.
Children who grow up in households affected by addiction or chronic mental health issues often live with chaos, unpredictability, fear, a lack of stability, and emotional safety. Even when parents love their children deeply, untreated illness can make it impossible to provide the consistent care and stability children need. A chaotic and unpredictable home environment can hinder emotional development and negatively impact an individual’s ability to develop effective coping mechanisms. The lack of a positive role model may result in a failure to learn alternative and healthier ways to respond to stress as an adult.
The toll on future relationships of growing up with addiction cannot be overstated. Growing up with a parent who was, at best, unreliable and unavailable and, at worst, neglectful and abusive may constrain your ability to develop honest and trusting relationships in the future. Young people often adapt by learning to constantly “read the room” and to behave or respond in ways that allow them to blend in or diminish the risk of conflict. Adults raised in these environments are more likely to:
- Struggle with self-worth and shame
- Find it challenging to set health boundaries
- Feel responsible for the feelings and actions of others
- Enter into relationships with people who are struggling with the very conditions they grew up with! Although these conditions are unhealthy, they are familiar.
Call to Action:
There is good news – you can break the pattern! You are free to break free of the constraints and limitations forged during your childhood.
Resources
Employee or Member Assistance Program (EAP/MAP). An imperative in many families living with addiction or other issues is that you don’t discuss these problems with anyone outside the family. Talking is the beginning of healing. Call your assistance program and speak with a counselor.
Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families (ACA): A twelve-step fellowship for adults who grew up in dysfunctional families affected by addiction or other issues.
National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): Education, support groups, and resources for families affected by mental health conditions.
Therapists specializing in family-of-origin issues: Education, support groups, and resources for families affected by mental health conditions.
Recommended Reading
“Healing the Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families” by Charles Whitfield
“Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics,” Herbert Gravitz and Julie Bowden
“Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect” – Jonice Webb
“Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” by Lindsay C. Gibson
“Adult Children of Alcoholics” by Janet Woititz